The name for Alton Towers Resort’s biggest ever, vomit-inducing rollercoaster.
Boasting a price tag of £18m and taking over eight months to build, this ‘marmalising’ ride features a series of twists and turns that are only separated by a series of psychological special effects to mess with the head of those foolish enough to travel upon it.
These ‘effects’ include optical illusions, blinding lights, flashing strobes, eighteen gravity-defying loop-the-loops and countless spine-jerking movements to the body just when you least expect them. All having been carefully timed and designed by some idiot to mess with the human mind and stomach in equal measure.
Whilst the owners of Alton Towers Resort have been spending a lot of money on Smiler’s ironwork, track, trains, publicity (involving sheep) and merchandise for ‘The Smiler’, it clearly didn’t spend half as much on ‘getting its own act together’, for despite promising the usual anorak-wearing die-hard rollercoaster ‘gang’ that it would open on May 23rd, and then the 24th…. it still remains mysteriously shut to the general public.
Alton Towers are refusing point blank to say why. Safety issues? Mechanical problems? Public Liability inadequacies? Who knows? No-one except its owners, ‘Merlin Entertainments’.
Perhaps someone should quickly write a poster saying how it could trigger a serious epileptic seizure. You can’t beat the smell of ‘Disclaimer’ early in the morning.
My guess is that the only ones left ‘smiling by the Smiler’ will be those who are charging people to ride upon it. ‘Merlin’ not only owning Alton Towers but Legoland, Chessington, Thorpe Park, Warwick Castle, The London Eye, Sealife and Madame Tussauds.
So…. if your kids want a half-term day out somewhere (and they won’t entertain your idea of a visit to a ‘Donkey Sanctuary’ to watch a horse s#!t in a field) you’re financially well and truly screwed! (Other ‘Pay Day Loan’ companies are available).
Fortunately for us in Britain, ‘Merlin Entertainments’ decided to use the ITV breakfast show, ‘Daybreak with Lorraine Kelly & Aled Jones’ to share all of the ‘up & down’ delights of their new ‘Smiler’ ride.
So as yet no-one in Britain has seen it!
