‘Welcome to our meeting everyone. Now if we all play our cards right we can be out of here in half an hour!’
‘And now our resident retired cleric will share with us all how much better it was when he was in charge.’
‘Let’s all try and get these ‘Matters Arising’ out of the way please because I have just received the signal that the Stripper has arrived.
‘I take it that during my request for your favourite Communion hymn, that the loud suggestion from Dave for ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ was a joke?’
‘We move on now to the election of a new Churchwarden. This is because Jack is unable to continue due to the Semtex in his underpants becoming unstable.’
‘And now our Community Police Officer will talk to us about our Church Security concerns, whilst I sit here and try and knock his hat off with some brightly coloured beanbags that I have stolen from our village school.’
‘Oh No! Did you hear those car tyres screeching? Has someone in here used their mobile phone to text the D.A.C. and informed them of how many pews I’ve burned in my vicarage fireplace this winter?’
“We have to hold this meeting tonight for legal purposes. So let’s get it done and then we can all jump back into our parish tank of Formaldehyde.’
‘When the Mission Group reported on their leaflet distribution plans and Mr Baxter said he was going ‘cottaging’, he didn’t mean it in the way you are thinking.’
‘Mr Chairman, I think the most important decision we need to make right now is whether ‘Any Other Business’ is more important than ‘Midsomer Murders.’
‘And now, for all of you sceptics who think this Parish Church is no longer financially viable, let’s have the Treasurer’s Report and remove all doubt.’
‘Let’s make sure we ‘minute’ what our flower arranger has just shared with the lady sitting next to her about the organist’s husband.’
‘No, Mrs Morton! What our vicar and his wife get up to on their day off is between them and their Internet Service Provider’.
‘Point of order, Mr Chairman! In regard to the ‘Church Youth Club’ report… Wouldn’t the deployment of the PCC’s Taser have been more effective during the riot? After all, that is what we bought it for!’
And now may I introduce our newly appointed choirmaster… His name is ‘Lemmy’ and he hails all the way from ‘Motorhead’. I’m delighted to say that at our Family Service this coming Sunday, Lemmy will be conducting our children’s choir in the anthem, ‘The Ace of Spades’.
‘To be honest, the ‘No Smoking’ rule during our Tuesday afternoon house group meetings is far less about us breathing second-hand cigarette smoke and far more about stolen World War Two ammunition that’s been stored in our elderly host’s cellar.’
‘Before we formally begin the meeting, can we all thank the members of the Mothers Union for the tea, biscuits and Class C drugs.’
‘Oh Vicar, please do more of those 45-minute sermons. I was gripped from start to finish.’
‘I’m afraid we will have to skip the Tower Captain’s report as our village has driven all of the Sunday bellringers three hundred miles out into the desert and left them for dead.’
‘Can the Rural Dean sit down now please, before we all lose the will to live?’