Saturday evening light entertainment television show in which gold & silver medal winners, ex soap stars, redundant breakfast show hosts, over-the-hill models and retired children’s television personalities are introduced one-by-one to a sleeping viewing audience by a breathless octogenarian in a dinner suit and a tall, leggy yummy-mummy wearing Shirley Bassey’s back wardrobe.
The show also includes another three more men. One looks like the sort of bloke who’s always the bride’s dirty old uncle at a wedding and who sports 1950′s ‘Brylcreme’ and highly polished shoes, the second is a rather camp, toffee-nosed, middle-aged man sporting a quiff over a receding hairline and the third is an oversexed, over-the-top Italian with enough oil on his head to lubricate six diesel engines.
These three men periodically (and in turn) moan about the dancing quality of the so-called ‘celebrities’, the teaching capability of professional dancers and the judging dexterity of each other. Each week at least one of them goes home looking as miserable as a wet weekend in Skegness.
This 14-week televisual marathon also features a geezer called ‘Anton DuBeke’ (real name: Bill Entwhistle) who cannot expose enough of his teeth or milk the crowd enough… and a woman called Darcy Bussell – who was that thin and frail woman tossed about by a collection of hunks at the close of the closing ceremony of ‘London 2012′ (just before Seb Coe turned off our gas that was fuelling that big 24-7 flaming torch).
The main aim of this show is to secure enough pantomime contracts, pension top-ups or newspaper column inches to ensure all involved are not forgotten out there in ‘resting’ land.
Don’t forget to shout Bruce’s SCD catchphrase…..
‘Hard…. to remember your name! To remember what you were in, or did… Even harder!’
On the plus side, there is no ‘Ayesha Dixon’ to put up with!
(Sir Bruce Forsyth appears on this train courtesy of the British Broadcasting Corporation, English Heritage and Formaldehyde)
(Ms Tess Daly appears on this train courtesy of four hours in the BBC make-up department and with thanks to ‘The Society For The Preservation of Rural Hedgerows’ for her false eyelashes).