And it came to pass that Moses De Bottom camest down from his Mount Godless and saidest he unto the Athiests,
” I have this day met with no-one up there but myself and I presentest to thee with much media coverage and dodgy anecdotal evidence, some new rules for life.”
And continuest he on…
“You wicked godless people! It’s you lot who make the godly think all athiests are evil, glamourous and attractive.”
“But I sayest unto you wicked ones that you are most definitely not. You wicked athiests are the ones the religious people point to when they want to ‘have a go’ at us unbelievers. And it is not’est on!”
“I am an ordinary geezer. I’m not Dennis Wheatley and I am not building a very larger Wicker Man in my garden!”
De Bottom then handed to the Athiests two large stone tablets (Galaxy) onto which were written ‘The De Bottom Ten Commandments’ – so that not all athiests are paintest with the same dark brush.
And written upon the Galaxy Tablets were the words:
Resilience. Keep going even if you start thinking that there might be mileage in all this ‘god’ nonsense.
Empathy. If you can’t do it, then fake it. Lots of women do!
Patience. Breathe deeply at roundabouts when others don’t indicate which exit they are taking. Don’t raise your middle finger high in the air and doubt the holiness of other drivers’ parentage.
Sacrifice: But then again, Elton John sang that it’s ‘no sacrifice at all’.
Politeness: Don’t let that door swing back and hit that young lady full in the face. For she too may be godless like you.
Humour: Laugh like a drain when vicars say something about their god. Hide that smile and save it for later if it’s a Muslim. Remember: Keep safe!
Self-Awareness: Remember that you are in total control of your life and not being controlled by a wise old grandad puppet-master in the sky!
Forgiveness: Recognising that everyone will let you down at some point is a very sobering thought. And it helps others accept that you are going to let them down too.
Hope: Pessimism is so ‘last year’. Remember: ‘Things can only get better!’ Oh God, that’s the song that got Blair into Downing Street in 1997. (Of course, when I say, ‘Oh God!’, I don’t actually mean it.)
Confidence: …. is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as … PARKLIFE!